Monday, March 11, 2019

And here we go again.

Once again, I didn't get the job.
I keep telling myself there's a reason, there's a reason it wasn't this time, wasn't this place, that the time and place are yet to be revealed. I know it's not up to me but I cannot help feeling defeated, even though I've done my best.

Just have to be patient and continue to believe that everything will be ok.
Because it will.
It's not in my hands but His... He is the one who decides what, when, where, and for how long, and He made those decisions a long time ago.

Deep breath.
It's gonna shake out.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

I fucking HATE job hunting.

I'm 33. I've been doing the work I'm doing for the better part of 13 years. Just for reference.
I now must transfer to another facility, quit and go back to school, or find work in the private sector. I am completely unsure of how to proceed, as this last decade I have grown a ton but still feel like a sheep wandering around, lost.
So, I continue to job hunt, which I hate, work on resumes, which I hate, and do telephone interviews, which I REALLY hate. I hate talking on the phone, especially to strangers (INTJ, hello) and in-person interviews are even worse. You literally have to sell yourself to people and humble-brag about yourself, which is incredibly difficult for me.

Pray for me, y'all. I'm losing my damn mind over here.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Here's the part where I tell you something you already know.

Depression lies.
Depression tells us that we are irreparably broken, not worthy of love, not worthy of being happy, and all manner of other horrible things that aren't true.
I BEG YOU not to listen. Depression is a lying asshole.
Even if you feel broken, know that you will feel whole one day.
Even if you feel worthless, know that you are important and worthy of love.
You deserve to feel happy and have good days. Don't believe the lies.

Write down all the terrible lies depression tells you, and then turn that shit around. Write down the TRUTH and tell it to yourself until you start to believe it.

Most importantly, get out of your own head if you can and talk to someone. A friend, a spouse, a cat, a squirrel. You don't have to keep it all inside. <3

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

And now, for something completely different.

You ever have one of those paradigm shifts in your brain when the world around you makes you realize something and you feel like you open a new set of eyes?? When you say "Holy shit, Self, this changes everything!!"
I've been talking with my dad, my husband, my best friend, my cat, anyone who will listen that I'm stressed out about moving to a different state and having to change jobs, possibly careers, and I'm more than a little freaked out. I've been trying to take online assessments to see what I'm interested in, what I have a natural aptitude for, and the education required for the million possibilities I can see so far.
Well, last week at work (I work in a prison, just for clarity), we had an institutional emergency and the guy in charge, let's call him Bob, was right in the middle of it and couldn't do his duty as the guy in charge, so as the kid in the control room, it fell on me to run the show as the officer in charge (OIC, for those of you like me who love to abbreviate). All the rookies were freaking out, everyone else was either in the damn way or nowhere to be found, so I calmed the rookies down, told them exactly what they needed to do, delegated tasks, coordinated outside agency stuff, took all the notes so I could write the reports, you know... leadership shit.
After everything was back to normal, Bob came to my post to make sure I was ok and everything got done. He fully expected to find the place in chaos and me freaking out. When he found me calm, everything in its place, his paperwork done, he looked at me astonished and said thank you.
Bob threw me for a loop and said I need to be promoted. I was taken aback. I'm used to being in a pack, part of a team, following orders and getting shit done. This made me realize I can lead the pack... Once I wrapped my head around that concept I realized if I can lead a team here, I can lead a team wherever it is that I wind up.
I called my dad and told him this, and he said he knew!! He knew I can lead but he waited until I figured it out on my own. This blew my mind. He said it wouldn't have hit me the same way if he'd told me.
So when shit goes sideways for you, which it will from time to time, hang in there... you might be seeing things completely differently on the other side of it. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, this might be what you need to break out of the way you've been seeing yourself... embrace the change and what's to come. Maybe someone needs you to run the show.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

I'm not alone, and neither are you.

Until a few years ago, I had never heard of the Myers-Brigs 16 personalities. A friend told me she's ISFP, and asked what I was. I looked at her like she had 3 heads. She repeated her question, and I looked at her with an expression I felt was appropriate to my level of befuddlement. She cracked up and realized I had absolutely no idea what she was on about.
That night, I took the questionnaire. 3 times. You know, for science.

I was INTJ. All 3 times.

As one of the most uncommon personality types, and a female to boot, I make up part of the .8 percent of our population... and as such, the chances of me meeting anyone like me were... remote, to say the least. It explained why I overthink everything, could look at anything and see how to improve it, and be objective in any situation. I could take a work emergency, stay calm, make decisions, delegate tasks, give orders, etc.
It also explained why I had trouble interacting with others in groups larger than 3 people, absolutely hated group activities, going out to crowded areas, etc. I wasn't comfortable and I didn't feel safe.
For a long time, I felt alone... not just because of this, but because I knew I'd always been "different" from my peers... different from anyone I knew. I always felt misunderstood, and not just because I had terrible verbal communication skills. I felt like I had nothing in common with anyone. I began to self-isolate because I felt so isolated already. This compounded with my grieving the passing of my mother, one of the few people in the world I felt a real, human connection to, I became very depressed. I'd had depression for years, but now I felt like I had lost my link to this world and these people who felt like strangers.

I quit going to school functions, I always made excuses not to hang out with my friends, I quit taking my sister's and my dad's calls, I broke up with my boyfriend... it was bad, y'all. It was a dark time. I worked in a prison, and began to see not only the inmates as "assholes" but some of the staff, and almost all the strangers I ran into out in the free world. Why would I want to interact with a bunch of assholes? I limited contact to close family and only a couple of close friends who I trusted a little bit.
My closest friend told me I needed to "talk to someone." I did, I talked to her! She explained, no, someone like a therapist. I didn't talk to her for a week. When I did, I asked her to come with me. I was finally ready to face whatever the stranger with a PhD had to say.
In that first session, I just cried for probably 40 of the 50 minutes. I was sure she would kick me out of her office and politely ask me never to return. Instead, she didn't charge me, and asked me to come back next week, sending me with a journal and a few questions to answer.
I began to feel hope, like maybe I could be normal if I faked it.

I went back, each week, for a few months. INTJ notwithstanding, she diagnosed me with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, insomnia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and said we would have more work to do, and asked if I could look at this objectively; if I were a therapist with a client who was going through this? I said, well... I'd say you're not alone.
I realized I'm not alone. There have to be others out there like me, fighting these battles, trying to get through each day, trying to feel ok.
And here's the most important thing she helped me see: I'm not like everyone else, because I'm NOT SUPPOSED to be like anyone else. I do no one any good, especially myself, by trying to fit in or to fake it. And neither do YOU.
I'm now 33, working in a job that is weird but I enjoy and find fulfilling. I use my uncommon personality traits to try to make a difference, on a small scale, and I take a shit ton of medication for all the stuff I'm still dealing with in my own head. I still have a metric fuckton of therapy and work to do, but that's not what matters right now.

And you know what?
I'm not alone, and neither are YOU.